The “Perfect Mother” Myth & The Holiday Mental Load

Modern mothers are carrying so much; they are exhausted, stretched thin, and doing their best with what they have. Cue the holiday season, and suddenly everything feels heavier and becomes louder (and I’m not just talking about the holiday music). December tends to shine a spotlight on the “perfect mother myth,” as if this one month is a quiet test of her worth, effort, and devotion.

There’s an unspoken checklist many moms feel they’re being measured against, sometimes by family, sometimes by strangers online, and often by the harshest critic of all: themselves.

As a postpartum therapist in Denver, I support overwhelmed moms in navigating the many layers of motherhood, using art therapy and strategies that nurture body, mind, and soul.

If you’re feeling the weight of the holiday season, keep reading. Remember: you’re not meant to carry all of this alone, and there are gentler, more compassionate ways to move through this season. Let’s explore them together below.

The “Perfect Mother Myth” (What It Is + Why It Intensifies During the Holidays)

What is the perfect mother myth?

The perfect mother myth is a set of expectations created by culture, family systems, and media about how mothers should behave, look, and feel about their role. Long before women become mothers, they absorb certain values and beliefs about what it means to be a “good” mother. These beliefs shift across generations and are reinforced by patriarchy, capitalism, and social media.

For today’s mothers, the perfect mother myth often shows up in beliefs such as:

• She needs to love every moment of motherhood.

• She should be able to do it all—the domestic work, emotional labor, mental load, managing a household, and working outside the home.

• She must put her children’s needs before her own.

• If she struggles or takes time for herself, she is failing and it impacts her family.

The Invisible Mental Load of the Holiday Season

During the holidays, the perfect mother myth often gets amplified and much of this extra work goes unnoticed. On top of her everyday responsibilities, mothers may feel pressured to:

• Create a picturesque environment and magical experiences for their children.

• Come up with meaningful gifts, then mange the details for buying, storing and wrapping.

• Overspend on gifts, decor, and food.

• Hold emotions for her children and partner, which tend to increase with interruptions in routines and sleep.

• Suppress her own emotions and maintain a cheerful facade.

• Keep the peace while navigating triggering experiences and relationships inside of the family system.

• Compare themselves to others’ curated social media moments.

When mothers feel they aren’t living up to these impossible expectations, the weight often gets internalized, showing up as guilt, shame, burnout, resentment, or emotional shutdown.

The Body Remembers Like It’s the Present

Why does this happen? The holidays are full of sensory experiences. Our bodies and memories respond to sights, smells, sounds, and familiar cues, like twinkling lights, holiday songs, or ringing bells. Unless you’ve done healing work around past traumatic experiences, the body doesn’t always distinguish between memory and present reality, especially when those memories are painful.

If your childhood included unmet needs from caregivers, the loss of a loved one, or other difficult experiences during the holidays, it’s common to feel unease, tension, or anxiety during this season.

Motherhood Can Reactivate Your Past

Motherhood itself can stir these old experiences. In the effort to create joyful, meaningful memories for your child, parts of your own story (especially the parts calling out for healing) can resurface.

Signs your inner child parts may be overwhelmed include:

• Difficulty tolerating emotional ups and downs

• Reacting impulsively rather than responding thoughtfully

• Feeling stuck or indecisive

• Feeding into the perfect mother myth

Recognizing these signals is the first step toward responding with compassion toward yourself rather than guilt, frustration or judgment.

Simple, Supportive Ways to Navigate the Holiday Season

Yes, it is possible to enjoy the parts of the holiday season that feel magical while also tending to your own needs. And because your plate is already full, I’ve kept these ideas simple, because we don’t need to add more pressure.

Intentional Slowing Down

The holidays ask a lot of our nervous systems. Slowing down on purpose and in small, doable ways can help you stay connected, regulated, and more present for what truly matters.

What does slowing down look like in real life?

• Completing a slow, steady breath sequence when you feel your stress rising

• Getting clear on what actually matters to you this season, instead of chasing the pressure of what you think you “should” be doing

• Building in tiny moments of rest: watching your kids play for a minute, savoring something small you’re grateful for, or asking for help instead of taking everything on alone

These micro-pauses soften the edges and bring you back into your body.

Soft, Clear Boundary-Setting

Boundaries are not harsh or cold; they are warm, loving limits that protect your energy and help you stay regulated. And yes, they can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to carrying everything on your own. During the holidays, boundaries can be the difference between feeling resentful and feeling grounded.

Examples of soft, clear boundaries:

• If you need space: “Thank you for the invitation. We won’t be able to make it this year, but we appreciate you thinking of us.”

• If you’re feeling stretched thin: “I’m not able to take that on right now.”

• If you need help: “I’d love support with this. Could you take the lead on ___?”

Think of boundaries as small acts of nervous-system care.

Creative Ways to Care for Your Inner Child

One of the most supportive ways to tend to our young parts who need care is through creativity. Creativity gives your inner child a safe, playful place to express what she needs, without pressure or perfection.

Simple ways to reconnect with your inner child this season:

• Write a Three-Sentence Inner Child Letter:
  On a small scrap of paper or inside your journal, write a short letter of reassurance to your younger self. Something like: “I see how much you tried. You deserved more rest and care. I’m taking care of us now.”

• Use Non-Dominant Hand Drawing:
  This helps bypass your inner critic so you can hear the softer voice of your inner child. Draw how she feels today. No rules, just express using line, shape and color.

• Tiny Tradition Ritual: Choose one easy, meaningful ritual that feels good to you this year, like lighting a candle at dinner or taking a short evening walk.

Tending to your inner child through creativity helps soften perfectionism, reconnect you with what truly matters, and bring a sense of gentleness back into a season that often demands so much.

Reimagining the Holidays Through Presence (Not Perfection)

The holidays don’t have to be a performance. Instead of striving to meet every expectation (your own or everyone else’s) try shifting your focus toward connection, presence, and shared moments.

What children truly remember about the holidays is the feeling of safety, warmth, and attention from their parents, not the perfect decorations, the flawlessly wrapped gifts, or the Pinterest-level magic.

Letting go of the “perfect mother” myth starts with small, intentional choices: saying no to one obligation, pausing to breathe before responding, or allowing yourself to rest while your children play. Each gentle act of presence chips away at the weight of unrealistic expectations, giving both you and your children a richer, more meaningful holiday experience.

It Takes Courage to Choose Differently

If this season feels heavy, know this: there is nothing wrong with you. The expectations placed on modern mothers are impossible, and it takes courage to slow down, set boundaries, and choose presence over perfection.

If you’re feeling the weight of the mental load, I invite you to connect with a perinatal mental health therapist in your area who specializes in supporting moms and their partners through the unique challenges of parenthood.

You can also join me at Nurture Art Studio, an online creative, nurturing group for moms to help you feel more connected, centered and supported during this season.